Clock: Chapter 16

Ms. Carlin didn’t have the most extravagant accommodations in the world, but she still thought of this small two bedroom apartment as home. She’s lived here with Emily for almost four years now, and they’ve become quite content with the tedium of their lives.

They got home and sat down on the couch together as they always did, only it was quite a bit later than usual thanks to Carlin having spent most of her day covering the school shootings. With the leg rest propped up and Emily’s head on her shoulders, Carlin was reasonably sure that they’d both just end up passing out watching TV. But all things considered, that’s all Carlin really wanted.

She lazily grabs the remote, and turns the Television on. It’s a news channel showing highlights of some protest held earlier in the day on the west coast of the country.

“hmm…” Emily sputters out lazily.

“What is it?”

“I didn’t leave it on this channel when I turned it off last.” Of course she didn’t, I can already see L.E.X giggling as I begin to focus on the sapphire eyed woman. This is a place in time where his methods can be far more subtle, and I’m very thankful for that.

Carlin lifts the remote again, ready to change the channel, unknowing that it won’t work, but before she can, Emily beckons her to stop, looking at the screen with interest.

“Four are dead today,” the chipper news woman chirps, “after a struggle with police escalated in violence today at an activist rally meant to foster support for gay rights. People soon gathered in mass on both sides, and unrest began to grow on both sides. After people on the side opposed to homosexuality began throwing objects at the protestors, and when the police tried to intervene, a small scale riot erupted, resulting in three protestors and one police officer killed. A few suspects were arrested on the side of the protestors, but many charges of assault have been filed against those opposed to the protests as well. We take you-”

After franticly trying to hit the power button in vain for quite awhile, Carlin just stood up and yanked the cord to the TV, rendering the box as though nothing once again.

“Carlin…” Emily has become quite worried, considering they can’t run away from an issue such as that one.

“Idiots…” Carlin mutters under her breath.

“What?”

“Idiots, all three sides, and nothing but idiots amongst them. They don’t want progress or equality… they want a fucking spotlight put on them.”

“You need a spotlight to really put any message out there these days though.” Emily rarely engages Carlin in conversations such as this, but this time she knows it’s different. “Do you really want to keep our relationship a secret forever? Can you imagine having to grow old in fear? People these days hate you and me so deeply that they’d rather we both be dead, and they have no idea who we are, what we’re like.”

“Yeah, well once the spotlight’s put on you, the message becomes meaningless and corrupted.” She sits across from Emily now, not engaging her as a lover, but as though a combatant. “These people hate just to hate, the cops oppress just to oppress, and the idiots trying to speak for me without my consent want to protest just to protest. No one gives a shit about what they’re actually talking about, they just want to yell and smile for the cameras. I deal with these people all fucking day, every day, and I’m sick of it.”

“Then quit your job.” Simple advice, but considering that Emily is currently depending on Carlin as a provider, it’s not really the best course of action.

“You get a job first, and then come back and offer me that advice!” Clearly she understands that as well, but she likely could have phrased it in a less hurtful way.

“I’m sorry I didn’t…” Emily stutters for a moment, and Carlin’s hit with the impact of her own words like a brick to the stomach.

“No, I… I didn’t mean to yell at you, Emi. You’re not the problem…”

Emily pats the spot where Carlin sat next to her with her hand, pleading for her to sit beside her again. Carlin does so, where she falls into an embrace, and begins to cry.

“You know, Carlin… Sometimes I just get so sick of people wishing me ill just because I fell in love with you. Don’t you dream of a day where we can stop worrying about bigotry?”

Carlin sobs, but still tries to manage a reply.

“You’ll never get rid of the bigots and retards, if they stop hating you and me, then they’ll just find someone else to blame for their own dysfunction. I sometimes think the only way you can get people to change is-”

“By force,” Emily interjects, “like those kids you spent all day covering?”

Carlin takes a moment to collect herself, to try and stem the tide of her tears to form words easily to explain the wave of different things she’s feeling right now.

“I spent so much of my youth getting beaten on, getting spit on, being made fun of. I discovered I was gay when I was seventeen. I had to keep that secret in the face of all the abuse I was already suffering at school. My parents didn’t give half a shit about me either. I’ve never had to come out to them because once I was in college I never spoke to them again…”

“Carlin…”

“I remember one time in the locker room after PE in high school, while I was changing my clothes, a bunch of the other girls stormed in on me and dragged me into the hallway while I was wearing nothing but my underwear, and then they kept the door shut on me, leaving me out there alone… No one ever did a goddamn thing to help me. I was just a fucking punching bag for a giant collection of assholes. I gave up on idiots changing for the better long ago, Emi. You’re not going to make stupid people just magically face all the wrong they’ve done one day, they’ll keep on hurting people, keep on repressing reason. I used to think to myself, much like those kids must have, I always wondered, would killing all the stupid hateful people around me make the world a better place? Would I be doing humanity a favor?”

“Still, it’s better to have someone standing up for us over no one.”

“I don’t want anyone to stand up for us, Emi. I want them all to leave us the hell alone. My sexuality is no one’s business but yours. I don’t want their support or their hate, I just…”

She can’t hold it back anymore, and she cries into Emily’s arms fiercer than before. It would ease her tears if she could focus less on the world around her, and more that she has that one person to hold her when she’s afraid. But then again, considering the amount of people willing to cause her physical harm for something that doesn’t even affect anyone but her, its understandable why she’d see such a bleak picture.

“I’m not saying that we should be like them, Carlin. I’m just saying that it’s nice to have some people left in the world who understand us and want to help us, either directly or indirectly. When so many people are so filled with hate, it’s good to see a few people left willing to yell right back at them and show them that their anger is misdirected and pointless.”

“I just can’t bring myself to care about any of that, Emi…”

“Then what do you care about?”

“You…”

Emily pulls her chin up to face her, and the smile that Carlin is greeted with alleviates most, if not all of her worries. She kisses her briefly, and motions that they should go to sleep. Emily mentions that it’s been a very long and stressful day for Carlin, and that what the both of them need more than anything, is rest.

She sleeps soundly in the embrace of the one she loves, and looking from afar, I see that they’re both quite willing to be with one another until the very end, and I begin to understand Carlin a bit more.  It was not her past that made her bitter and closed off, it was contemplation of it. That she came to the same sick and horrific realization that I have… people, as a group, will never change.

I yell and scream at L.E.X, keeping him from interfering further as the two of them enjoy their slumber. I will offer Carlin this one moment… and hope that far from now, that she is able to see its significance.

With information being so readily available, there is a constant stream of chatter amongst all beings now. Humans have populated this world like an infestation of bugs in a rotting log, digging their way deep and taking root, and overpopulating to the degree where they stress resources and have a global impact that they can readily see in their own lifetime. Everyone in the same bowl, constantly pushing and shoving trying to find their own space, trying to separate themselves from the herd, and there’s just no room to do it. Words and nonsense get into everything, and even if Carlin were to find some larger bowl for her and Emily, they would still hear the words of the hateful. She knows that in her lifetime, she will never be rid of the bigots.

The poor girl… I almost feel sorry for her.

Almost…